Some people come into your life to show you just how much you bless the world. Some people come in to convict you with harsh truths. Others, touch your soul in incurable ways. Those, are worth mentioning.
When I was 17 years old, My Godmother introduced me to her good friend Linda. She warned me she was odd, and of course we hit off right away. She took me under her wing for a few months and opened my mind to the idea of spirit animals and Divine love. I had heard many times before that I was marked for spiritual leadership. Given my rebellious spirit, I didn’t really believe a word of it. Not until she entered my life. She was my kindred spirit and one of my many teachers.
One of the wisest things she ever said to me I wouldn’t understand until I was much older.
“A girl can love one, a woman can love many.”
Young and immature, I thought that was a pretty slutty idea. A serial monogamist at heart, this sounded like a whole lot of free love I wasn’t interested in. Looking back at it now, I truly do understand. It had nothing to do with silly superficial notions.
She was speaking about the journey of our lives. While young, we feel we will only meet one that we are meant to love. After a few heartbreaks along the way, I realize. I loved with every part of me at that time.
In my own way, I still do. Well, most of them, I always will. How could I not? The ones I loved truly, changed me. None so much as the one that gave me what I desired most and it just so happened to be exactly what I needed to fuel my desire to move toward self-mastery. I became the best version of myself yet by allowing love to lead the way. But first, I had to face the things in me I didn’t want to. Insecurities that I was blind to.
Sometimes it takes a strong connection, a powerful force outside of the comprehension of others. Something so strong that it seems incredibly unlikely to come around again. A mirror. A true one.
This is dedicated to the one that deserves a standing ovation for all he does, not just from me, but for everyone who has ever been blessed by his presence. This, is my open love letter of appreciation to the King Leo ♌️ who was and remains, on the throne.
My Darling Adonis,
Where do I begin? How about how grateful I am that you raised the bar.
A pessimist might conclude that I’ve been ruined for all men. Especially now with my expectations sky high. I prefer to see it differently. I know you exist, so why would I settle? Knowing you made me a better woman. You created a desire in me for better. Something I never saw coming.
I left it unsaid how much I would miss you, or how I always knew I would.
This year apart has brought some interesting people around me. At one point another man asked me,
“Why do you sabotage relationships with men”
I will confess, you popped into my mind immediately. I knew why. The answer to this question was, none of them are you.
But I left that, unsaid.
Calm, cool, collected, poised, and beloved. The camera loves you baby. You’re a natural. People giggle and smile, competitng for a moment of your attention. That, is what it’s like to experience you as a mere mortal.
Such a raw expression of desire. Did I mention the women that throw themselves at your feet? You have your pick honestly. Yet, you came at me like a fan.
My number one fan, to be exact!
They didn’t matter, and the pack of wolves surrounding me didn’t either. You made your presence known.
This didn’t happen overnight. We had years of mutual admiration from a distance and eventually an introduction. Two Leos who had a spark and became friends. That, is how our story began. The way it should..
I left it unsaid, that you were my wildest dreams come true. I wasn’t ready to receive that.
Tall Dark & handsome? Yes. 6’5, 280 lbs of raw masculinity, you were sculpted perfectly by God himself. You make most men insecure. That smile has broken a lot of hearts!
(mine included.)
Your gaze is simply unfair. It’s the glow in those blue eyes, I could drown in them.
But oh, Adonis the way they light up when you look at me?
Who in the world could ever compete with that?
Why would they even try?
Gorgeous. Inside and out. Successful. Kind.
(There’s a few more things that would probably make the skeptics in love gag a bit, so I’ll leave them out.)
There is a certain type of masculine that can just draw the attention of a room by entering it.
BDE….
Yours is the most potent I’ve ever seen.
Though I also, left that unsaid.
I know you’re aware of your magnetism.
I also know that you would graciously take this praise, while not needing it at all. One of your many wildly attractive traits. You didn’t need to be crude to get my attention. You had it! No matter the distance, or time between our interactions, We simply picked up where we left off. As if in sync, our conversations went on throughout the day as if we were talking in person.
Oh, Adonis, if you only knew how proud I was to be yours! Your love and devotion for your community was unmatched. I had never met a soul until you that could match my light so perfectly. You’re careful to make sure your family all receive as much time as you can give them. It still brings me joy to think of how many people benefit from the wonderful human you are.
As for us, You loved to flex for me and I loved to clap my hands and cheer in adoration. The thought of you can bring my dimming light to a bright glow immediately. Just the thought of you,
My King Leo.
I left it unsaid, that you were right when you said we had met many lifetimes before. Our connection is too natural to be our first time.
It flows.
What happened when we disagreed? No big deal. It happens. We moved on. Being with you is easy. I’d dare say the easiest. We encouraged each other in all pursuits, shared life together no matter the distance. hundreds of miles apart at times and it changed nothing. No matter how far those trips took you, I never felt separate.
I went on with the day with ease even when we didn’t speak for a week at a time. We understood the need for patience. We were building an empire, and that was understood. We weren’t going anywhere. We had all the time in the world. Still feels like that sometimes. Even as I write it, my heart is heavy.
When we came together, that was heaven! Each time we connected I couldn’t hide my excitement. It was left unsaid, those three words, eight letters, but I did.
You would tell me of your adventures and send me photos so I could be there too .
Then, you’d get real quiet and hand me the mic. You listened intently to each word. Asking questions and laughing with me.
3 words, 8 letters.
Thinking back to all the times I rambled on when we connected,
I’d say I still do.
Nothing has changed Adonis. If they asked me who the perfect man is, I’d still describe you. I’m not saying YOU are perfect, just perfect for me. Though this is a love letter, make no mistake, I know you are human. You weren’t the one on a pedestal…
The proof was in my work. I was my strongest, at my best professionally, when you were my guy. You made me believe I could accomplish big things. Even after all this time, I sit down to write, and I think of you. When I feel discouraged or ready to throw in the towel, I imagine you. Just for a moment. No matter the subject, I remind myself that you believe in me. You told me I could do anything I put my mind to.
I believe you, darling.
I really do.
It keeps me going, it keeps me growing. Despite the cowards who have tried to fill your shoes and the endless criticism they brought. Nor how hard they worked to make me feel insecure. It will never work. Your view of me has kept me sheltered. I don’t let them break me. I use it, as you taught me, to better my craft.
To better myself.
Where others treated me as an afterthought, I was your priority. Seeing me through your eyes made me feel like there was nothing standing in my way from being whatever I wanted.
You are wildly successful. The kind of man that drips of adventure leading an often chaotic and busy lifestyle. Even so, you always made time for me. You really did. You could breathe life into me in a way few others can. It’s alarming how perfect you were for me.
A self-made Leo who sees me, adores me, calls me queen? Who could measure up to that?!
I’ll tell you Adonis, nobody.
I should know.
I’ve looked.
When there was an “us”, You were more than just perfect on paper. I couldn’t find a reason not to adore you, no matter how I tried.
( Darling, I did try. )
The memory of your deep voice softly reassuring me of your devotion, still brings my soul peace when I’m standing on shaky ground.
I had never experienced that level of peace and trust until you. Safety. You were my safe space.
It was supposed to be you.
Why couldn’t it have been you?
No matter how much I wanted to be, I wasn’t capable of receiving you. I ran. I ran like hell from your safe, strong, arms. My heart breaking the entire way. This, is more than your love letter. You deserve an explanation.
My dear Adonis, you know yourself. You’re secure in everything you say and do. I call you Adonis for your perfect form, but you called me the Jean Gray to your Logan. You knew the struggles I hid from the world, and you knew the greatness within that I was terrified of. You didn’t point them out. You encouraged me. You saw me as AMAZING.
There’s that word again.
All well and good Adonis.
YOU saw it.
Do you know who
didn’t see any of that?
ME.
Do you remember when I told you about the one before you, the experience that broke me? I stayed too long and worked too hard to fix someone I couldn’t.
Still, the damage was done. and I had a lot of work to do. So much I didn’t want to bring with me into “us.”
So I left it unsaid, I didn’t feel I deserved you at that time. I wasn’t ready. That’s what happens when you jump in head first before healing. From the space I’m in now, I see we were perfectly matched.
How could I possibly tell you that recovering from 11 years with a hell hound was hard enough. Then, along comes “Mr. Right” while I’m attempting to rebuild all that I am, talk about inconvenient.
All I’d ever known had changed. How was that fair to bring you into this? You deserved more than the broken version of me I had to give.
I wasn’t looking for you to fix me,
I chose to fix myself.
I fooled myself into believing that I could earn it. The life I wanted with you. A man of your caliber deserves a woman who can handle the life you lead. I find it funny now that I know my value.
I risked it all in a stubborn and foolish moment of arrogance.
I chose to leave. I didn’t want to. You deserved the best and I wasn’t at mine. Your gentle understanding and yet firm goodbye told me the thing I feared most was true. This was the right decision, and I would regret it anyway.
Leaving you taught me that a person can be the perfect partner for you, and it won’t matter if you don’t feel worthy to receive them. Harsh lesson. This wasn’t fair. Still, you were the first honest glimpse of what I wanted for a partner.
In a leap of faith, I went to change, fix, & heal those things in me. I did it too!
I wanted to see myself the way you saw me, to start. Who wouldn’t want to look in the mirror and see a Wildly attractive, intelligent, charismatic, successful, likable and loved Leo Queen & Mother Goddess?
(No pressure, right? )
You’re a man who learned to invest his time and energy wisely. You saw me. You wanted me. You knew when to let go. I still had so much work to do. Never did I, nor would I ask of you to wait for me. Instead, I allowed myself to live as if I believed I was all of the things you said I was.
Because you planted that seed, I knew I could water it. My life looks very different now. I am on my way to becoming them all! I have learned to love myself. To give myself what I need. To allow a little selfish to go a long way. I realized I didn’t need you to be happy. I was enough by myself. When I was certain of that, I came running. As I’d predicted, I regretted leaving.
We, were no more.
You were still you.
I was still me,
Albeit stronger & this time, Aware
Thank you, Adonis.
6 months later, I met the one who would show me a necessary truth. All of the things within me I despised and found unlovable, I was capable of loving in another.
He was nothing like you, and less than I had earned.
I fell hard for that illusion. But give the devil his due, It taught me to love those unpretty parts. The unlovable, transformed into acceptance.
Despite what you think, I have flaws. Lots of them. I’m so glad you weren’t around to see me fully embrace them.
I want you to know, that all of me, is proud of you. I am forever your biggest fan. YOU are my favorite. Adonis.
I know I loved you many lifetimes before, and regret none.
I admire you today, cheering you on through life’s challenges, knowing you feel me. You’ll never walk alone again for part of me is always with you.
I’ll hold you in my heart tomorrow, no matter the outcome. If you’re happy, I’m at peace. Always, and forever.
Our story is just beginning.
Beautiful and so personal. I am touched by your bravery of telling your story