All of The Things Left Unsaid: The Big Shoes Of Flora

People don’t realize how important it is for a child to know they are loved.

It is the difference maker in their ability to give and receive it. I dare say it can influence their belief they deserve it. At least, that is how it was for me.

I’ve met people who match or rival my dark childhood experiences that have no capacity to carry love. Not because of what they lived through alone, they were missing the key ingredient. The one so meticulously given to me.

I didn’t have an ordinary childhood. Even so, it is because of Flora I had one at all.

She is the reason I had a village. She was the most important person in my life even though I didn’t know it. Her love was the difference maker. I see that so clearly now. I saw it at the end of her life as I took care of her too. We said our goodbyes long before it was time.  I knew where I stood with her and the loyalty between us remains to this day. I honored her my own way. The best way I knew how. I also didn’t attend her funeral.

(She understands.

I promise.)

Everyone needs someone in their life that has unconditional love for them. How else do we learn? Flora was that for me. Though many grew frustrated and tired of all the ways she dismissed the flaws in me, her patience knew no bounds. She showed me what God’s Love looks like. She knew what each individual who crossed her path needed. She paid no mind to how this changed another’s opinion. She genuinely, unconditionally cared about YOU.

She knew how to acknowledge your strength without patronizing you. If you sat for a chat, she would listen intently to every word you said.

She was also every child’s grandma that needed one. Her love for kids was abundantly clear. Her love was healing.

Because of Flora, what was meant to harm and cripple me was turned into something that brought me invaluable wisdom, and powerful protection.

That is why this, is an open letter of Gratitude and confession to the woman who called me “My girl.”

My beloved Janey,

I only called you that when you were close to the end. Only because you thought I was your sister Sally most of the time. I just wanted to see you happy, and you were, even more than usual on those days. I confess, I enjoyed them too.

I was thinking today of the last time I saw you. You asked me for water as I prayed over you, and held your hand. I remember feeling humbled, that I, would be allowed to serve you. To have the honor of taking care of the angel, who saved my life more times than I can remember. It’s funny how you can take a path in life that leads you down a road that seems to have no purpose, and then it all becomes clear. So it was with my medical training. It was all for you. Thank you, Flora.

I think the world has plenty of grandmothers worshiped by their grandchildren. I don’t think I’m alone in that.

But I don’t think many ever get to see all the facets of eachother the way we did. We lived together many times. You were then Ethel to my Lucy as we would laugh until we turned blue. You were with me through it all. You taught me everything of value that I know spirtually.

So many facets to the green-eyed fairy lady I still call Flora. I wanted to be just like you. The way you lived for God, the way you loved Jesus, the way children loved and flocked to you just to be acknowledged. I wanted to be worthy of that so badly. You were the closest to seeing Divinity in human flesh I’ve ever seen. Though it may be bold to say, I’m sure I’m not alone in my belief. Which is, If Jesus had been walking around in human form during your lifetime, His chosen star disciple, would have been you. 

(I said it. )

Everyone loves to talk about how they were your favorite. Oh the stories I’ve heard! I never thought I was, I knew better. It makes me laugh how they fight for that honor. Everyone knows that honor truly goes to Jesus.

(For what it’s worth, You were mine, for most my life. )

You and I had our own unique bond. One that was definitely looked down on by the ones that just couldn’t understand. They also didn’t see you had a way of making everyone feel special. There isn’t a life that wasn’t touched by your presence. You gave undivided attention to every person that would come to seek refuge in your home. Thank you, Flora.

I studied the way you treated everyone who came to visit. To this day, I apply what I saw in my own home. God always sends those who need that unconditional love to my door, as well as a secret signal so I know it’s from him. I wouldn’t know that truth, that signal if you hadn’t taught me what to look for.

I think of your example often. Would you be proud of where I am now ?

I imagine how many people have a better life because of you, and it makes me smile. Each life you touched is now honoring your memory their own way. We pay forward that kindness, because you taught us how.

Thank you, Flora.

Honestly, I can’t say there was much left unsaid between us. We weren’t shy to speak our minds, were we? Our arguments were legendary! I do often wonder if you remember our last few years together. I like to call those years, the “DELUXE Edition” of our relationship. Before this, you were kind and joyful, and there was a side of you that I was denied access to. Being your caregiver, I had the privilege of being all the things to you. Whatever you needed. As you were to me, so many times before.

Thank you, Flora.

Depending on the day, you’d see me as someone different.  Sometimes, I was your sister. Those were the days we were cheeky back and forth. You’d sass me and steal my crystals.

(Don’t deny it up there in heaven girl,

I watched you put it in your apron pocket!

I’m not mad about it, you made me smile.)

I’d get a kick out of your tougher side. When I was your best friend, I saw a side of you I wished I’d known when I was younger. No wonder you understood me so well, you wild child! You were just as stubborn as I was, and yet, remained a lady. The advice you gave me about boys was interesting. I wouldn’t have expected that. I’ll keep that to myself. I promise.  Still, selfishly, my favorite days , were when you knew the person you were talking to, was ME.

I was gifted time with you where I was able to serve you in return. You were my best friend, my sister, my mother, and my grandmother. Dementia is a curious and wild ride isn’t it? People like to focus on the pain and sadness of it. Not you Flora. . I never told the rest of the family but I knew something they didn’t…

In every blessing there is also a lesson. While i was honored to serve you and the time we had, It was also one of the worst seasons of my life. I felt defeated and depleted. I had made yet again, a terrible decision in love. Longest mistake ever. 10 years. Not only was it a terrible decision, but it was a life threatening one. One that would (thankfully) end in my favor, but not before I went through unimaginable stress, and hell.   I tried to keep it quiet. What good would it do to burden you when the purpose of my weekly visits was to help you?

That didn’t keep your intuition from picking up on the subtle cues.  You weren’t fooled by his presence or charm. When he left the room, you’d whisper to me,

“God makes a way

where there seems to be NO way.

Mija, God won’t let you suffer.

You can ask, and he will let you forget!”

My heart was both lighter and broken. I realized you asked for this.

Others may take issue that. Who cares?

It is done and what they think is irrelevant. I still have your back as you always had mine.

Thank you, Flora.

I thought back to our many adventures. A lifetime of memories. A lifetime of very real pivotal moments that shaped who I am today.

I may have been your granddaughter, but you raised me like you were my mother.

I lived with you many times. You held my hand while I brought my first child into the world, and you pulled me up off your bathroom floor on the worst day of my life.

Do you remember, Flora?

When  everything I had built crumbled, when the ones I loved most betrayed me, I was alone, you gave me a place to stay. When I had nothing left and a little one on the way, you reminded me of 1John 4:4 so I maintain,

YOU are the reason I am resilient. Your presence taught me God always made a way.  The fear could never win! Not with all the ways you taught me to push forward. How many times did you tell me to get up when I wanted to quit?

“God is your helper, let God be your strength.”

Even at my lowest, when nothing seems to be right, and I feel I’ve failed, I get up because of you. Your lessons have not gone unpracticed. You taught me a mother doesn’t get to succumb to weakness. In public and in front of her children, she is poised, calm and her strength is on display. There is too much to do, to allow sorrow to overcome us! Give it to God.

A Mother doesn’t get to crumble when the life she was promised falls apart.

She can mourn it.  She can have moments. When her duty is done for the day, and the household is asleep, that is the only time to fall apart. Just for a moment, and then she gives it to God. I’d like to tell you I never fail to follow that example but I am not you, and I fall short often. I do my best, I really do.

You promised me that if HE was the head of my household I’d never be without what I needed. I can say with certainty, that you were right.

I have what I need always. Even when there seems to be no way, a way becomes available. You were right. Thank you for teaching me, Flora.

Oh but Flora, what I wouldn’t give to sit with you just once more..

No matter the time. Early in the morning before breakfast with our coffee, or past 10 with our tea, across that table in your dining room were some of the happiest moments of my life.  I miss laughing about our favorite bible verses, the heated debates over scripture or even just silly things like movies.

I still do it Flora.

All of our favorite things

I sing to the birds, I watch the sunrise,

Loving all the little children that cross my path.

My heart is full, my household blessed.

I think of you the whole time.

Every child deserves to know love

They Deserve a guardian Angel

Thank you, Flora for being mine.