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For 27 years I allowed myself to be controlled by denial,
debilitating fear and beliefs at the expense of everyone. My experience
was mainly emotional abuse, which is almost impossible to prove, especially
when the person is a smooth talker that seems to be able to get away
with anything. I felt like I was going crazy constantly being told I was
wrong and saw things so diluted. Using gaslighting, he manipulated me into
questioning my own sanity and perception of reality during our relationship.
With the cycles of love and hate I never knew what to believe. I was led
to believe everything was my fault, and I pushed him to this, or I was
naive to how relationships really were. I had to be available for his every
whim. He cut his family out of his life and hated my closeness to mine. He
would tell me he left his family for me and make me distant myself from
my family. I was kept very isolated from everyone.
When in the midst of it, it is harder to see things objectively.
Sometimes we are blind to what is happening to us or paralyzed by fear.
People make decisions the best they can with the knowledge they have. It
is a place of fear, control, shame making, and very hard to let someone in.
Phrases like “If you love me, you would do …” “This would make me happy”
manipulated me to go along with him. His temper was intense, and I would
freeze fearing what he might do. I did not trust myself. I hid how I was
feeling because we needed to do things his way. I still struggle making
decisions because I feel I make the wrong ones, or I could upset someone
for them. He told me he had to look elsewhere, because I was in pain or
didn’t agree with him. The cycles of wonderfulness, promises then to
blame and seclusion followed by apology and promises again made me feel
crazy.
I was blind to the fact my children were suffering at his hand for a
while, and later felt I could stand in the way, but they suffered for my
lack of reaching out. After being threatened I would never see my
children again if I did anything, looking for options seemed useless. I
hoped I could interfere and protect them the best I could. I could not
support them with my health issues, so I felt stuck. I made bad decisions
that hurt all of us but did the best I could with the knowledge I had at
the time. In fact, I didn’t even acknowledge that what happened to me
was abuse. That word is filled with shame. Using it I felt like I was
invoking something bigger than myself. Calling it abuse felt like I was
making a big deal out of the situation, making excuses for myself or asking
for attention I didn’t deserve. I told myself other people had endured so
much worse than I had and that it wasn’t that bad. I was ashamed of the
abuse, but I was also ashamed to think of myself as a victim.
Feeling that art and stories can be therapeutic, I began watching
the TV show Supernatural. Seeing them struggle made me feel I was not
alone. Luckily, I had the opportunity to attend a comic con that Mark
Sheppard had a panel. A fan went up to ask a question and told him how
the show saved her life. He came down from the stage, hugged her and
told her that it was all her that saved her. He was a conduit. I knew my
life was a disaster, and I was trying to figure it out. His words stayed in
my head and kept me pushing forward. I looked further into the show and
found how the crew gave back to their fans and the community. This made
me a huge fan. I saw them as so brave. Their strength and honesty kept
me getting up when I was going through my initial healing, leaving my past
behind, and finding me true self. Years later, I was able to go to a
convention getting signatures from the crew and thanking them for their
encouraging words.
After that convention, I decided to go back to school
at 49, learn about filming, and start a not for profit. I also got the chance
to visit another comic con with Mark Sheppard. Determined, I got his
autograph, told him my story, and thanked him. He stopped and spoke to
me as I stood in front of him star struck trying to get my words out while
shaking with nerves. He was incredible and talked to me for a while with
such encouragement. At that same event, I was able to get a picture with
Jared Padalecki and give him a shirt for the not for profit and thank him
for helping me make it possible. They didn’t endorse us but showed such
great support and encouragement. It showed me how anything can help
others especially pushing aside your fears and worries by being true and
open.
I am here to say, anyone has options. I am standing in front of you
still healing and looking over my shoulder in fear but much stronger. I
have had the opportunity to search for myself and find my passions,
interest and voice. If I can do this anyone can. This is a real problem for
all types of people. I began working in this field to help myself heal. We
must speak up to help each other release the shame and make it easier
for others to ask for help. No judgement or this problem will never get
better. It is amazingly sad to me how many people say they were a victim.
On that same note it is very sad that as humans we treat others in such
ways. I was asked several times what I would tell a friend or daughter
coming to me with this situation. I could answer that but when it came to
me it was different. Someone in this situation is typically asked,
“Why do you stay?”
Shouldn't we be asking,
“Why does someone treat another human in such a manner?”
Now I have so much support for being myself and loved for it.
Love isn’t about control or pain. Shame carves deep scars in people who
have endured psychological abuse, me included. Shame needs secrecy,
silence and judgment. Now is the time to speak out against this and help
our community.
Here's the first film, and this is how I am using my talents, skills, ability, and voice.
How will you use yours?
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